I haven’t written one post since before Christmas. The holiday season is busy for everyone, I wish it would last longer like maybe spread it out over several months instead of basically one. I’d like more time to linger over dinners, spend time with friends and family that I almost never see, and be more present in holiday happenings. Instead I feel like everything is crammed into a few weeks, the decorations are put away as quickly as we hang them; and everyone frantically shops, eats, and parties in a chaotic frenzy.
I needed a minute. I started feeling sick. Actually, several years ago I got sick.
Put your glasses on, this might be a long story… I debated whether or not to share this on my blog as I am a fairly private person about my personal life – and this is the most personal of my personal life. But maybe someone will read this that is going through the same thing and understand or get something from it, or maybe not. Before I was sick, I was engaged to be married, active, in great physical shape, and loving life. I could never imagine how much my life was about to change. The next few years were a dizzying fog of doctors visits, tests, more tests, and tests. My brain developed a neurological condition while my blood developed a disease affecting my entire body. I tried new diets, exercises, new pillows, vitamins, positive thinking, breathing, doctors, healers, prayer, etc, etc, etc….. I can’t even, it was too much.
I moved in with my parents and lost myself. I wasn’t able to drive myself, so I didn’t go anywhere someone didn’t take me. I didn’t feel like doing anything as some of the side effects of the different meds made me feel tired, weird, hearing noises, fat, skinny, dizzy, or generally defeated. I wasn’t suicidal but I thought my life was basically over. I stopped trusting myself and self esteem left me.
My friendships dwindled as was difficult to stay friends with a hermit that has the capabilities of a four year old (that lives with her parents). My relationship went sour and then we broke up. It was a good lesson in my life about people. I learned who I can count on. I will never forget those people and what they did for me. I also learned to appreciate certain little things. There are people in life that give that bit of encouragement that is desperately needed. I will treasure that forever.
I had some bad blood work before Christmas that was a mental and physical setback. I thought briefly about moving in with my parents again. There was a moment of panic, utter panic, and a small voice inside of me said, “It’s happening again.” It has taken me a few days to overcome that fear, even now. I’m still learning to live each day and try to make the decision to be in the moment and not stress about the future. I fail like 50% of the time, ugh.
So – thinking about the blog going forward makes me excited for the future. There are amazing people that want to contribute and share their talent with me. I am looking forward to trying new things, new recipes, new activities – GETTING MARRIED! We are all blessed with different things in life. I believe we must work with what we are given to the fullest of our abilities – no matter how much or how little we are given. It has been a long road for me to realize this and some days I am bitterly angry about things that have happened to me or wish to remain in the fetal position in my bed about it. However, I am very blessed no matter how sorry I feel for myself sometimes.
My resolution is this…I’m not going to resolve that 2014 will be a new me because I think that is silly. It sets people up to fail. I will wish that 2014 will be a great year to grow and learn and be healthy – I’ll wish that for me and for you. It’s going to be a good year. Let’s get started.
|Coco and Obie say Happy New Year to You!|